Thoughts from 57 1/2

What Matters Most

2011-09-19T08:25:00.000-04:00

At the end of your days when you look back what do you want people to remember about you? When they speak at your service what is it that you want them to say? If you live to a ripe old age what do you want your grandkids to say about the kind of person you where? Where you a person who brought joy, laughter and peace to those around them or wil they need to find polite ways to lie at your funeral to make you sound better then you were? Tim and I watched Wall Street the other night and I can't believe how much that movie spoke to me. If you haven't seen it turn on netflix and watch it because I think there are some important messages about life in it. I think the most important reminder in that movie for me was how important time is. If we spend our seeking after money we end up loosing the important things. I think its true as well if we spend our lives seeking status, power, fame we can end up loosing the things that are truly important - those things of course are relationships. Relationships with family, with friends, with God. When I come to end of my days whether that is tomorrow or 60 years from now I want people to say that I was person that fought for relationships. That time was so important to me that I spend it on things that matter most. So how will you spend your day today?

AHHH Peace again!

2011-07-24T14:54:00.000-04:00

Life since March has been a bit nuts for me. I went to work full time for the first time since having Layla (by going to back to work I mean working outside of our home - any stay at home mama can tell you that being at home is work) I think I knew by the 3 or 4th week into my new job that it wasn't the right fit for me. I enjoyed the costumer service and working with people - but the hours and the company were just a bad fit.
This past week I knew in my heart that I was done. I was praying and I simply said that I was at my absolute end. The very day that I was praying this I received a call with a job offer - weekends off, "banker hours" better pay - YES PLEASE! This is how I know there is a God out there and that he cares about these details in my life. I knew in April that the job I had wasn't for me but I learned a lot about patience about serving and about building relationships. Once I knew that I couldn't go on there God allowed an out for me - that very day. God is compassionate to our needs and the reality of how much he love me can still shock me.

Today I have peace - incredible peace.

Dedicated to the Men

2011-07-08T10:12:00.000-04:00

So I'm not a huge reality tv fan but I do love to watch So You Think You Can Dance and I think its because I love the stories behind the dance and how creativity is used to make us feel on a deeper level. This week the top 7 guys preformed a dance representing the 7 different phases of grief:
Shock, Denial, Bargaining,Guilt,Anger,Depression and Hope.
As I watched this dance piece I couldn't help and think about Tim and the other men out there that have lost their child - their sons and daughters. As men and women we outwardly grieve differently but each of us are going through these losses in life and experience these emotions.
So this blog post today is dedicated to Tim and all the other men out there that have experience grief.
Remember the last phase of grief is Hope.

Beautiful Scars

2011-07-06T12:09:00.000-04:00

My heart is changing a bit. I looked at my scar from my c-section the other day and I smiled. That's a new one for me. I smiled and thought about my beautiful son. I have this mark that I will be with me forever. I had the honour of carrying Izaak for 29 weeks, holding my son. I'm so glad that I get to be Izaak's mom and that I have a mark that is with me to remind of the privilege of motherhood. So mothers out there remember that each mark that is left on your body from pregnancy represents a beautiful life, they are marks of honour. Your body is beautiful, it gave life.

Cute things my daughter says

2011-06-11T09:11:00.000-04:00

Scene: yesterday Layla (who is 3) and I were walking down by the waterfront here in Toronto and in one of the parks is little stage on top of this grass mound. Of course my daughter is this little performer and she love to sing and dance on this little stage. However this time they where doing a film shoot along the waterfront and the film crew were using the stage.

Layla: "Mama I wanna sing my ABC on the stage"

Me: "Sorry sweetie they are making a movie there and we aren't allowed on the stage right now"

Layla "A MOVIE!"

Me: "Yup, so next we come down you can sing on the stage"

Layla (in a very sad voice): "But mama I wanna sing my ABCs, maybe I go on the stage and sing my ABC's in the movie?"

So we came to a compromise - Layla performed her ABC's on the platform of the streetcar stop as we waited to take transit home. OH what a kid - Can't wait to see her in some school performances

Image Bearers

2011-06-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

I'm that person that can truly get lost in the moment. I can let whatever is going on overshadow all other things if I let it. I'm the person that people LOVE to market to because a good sappy commercial gets me every time and I'm ready to by that product or believe that master card commercial that what I "need" must be priceless because looks that memory that you are making. Thankfully I can be such a person who lives in the moment and by my emotions that as soon as the next commercial comes on I realize that what I really need is not the master card but the american express and then maybe the Capital One ....... and then maybe.....

Okay a bit over the top but you get the picture. For the most part I like that I'm a person who feels things at a deep level. I like to call myself passionate instead over emotional. Sometimes this does lead me into a bit of trouble. I can let negative things - those moments of regret or hurt rob me of all the good things that are going on. Often I let my my worst moment define my day, or week or month. I have this raging self critic that gets me every time. So I'm really trying to work on this. These moments will happen in life. We should realize that we have things in our live that we should regret, or things that we should change, ways that we have wronged people. We should take those moments and learn and grow and move forward into becoming the person that you were created to be AND those moments should not define you as a person. Each of us were created in be image bearers of Christ. We should allow our lives to be defined by that. That is pretty powerful. That allows me to be in a difficult and remember that I do not have to let that moment overshadow who I am in Christ.

Just some thoughts on Thursdays evening :)

Sharping My Focus

2011-06-08T14:50:00.000-04:00

It has been an interesting few months around our place. Since March I've been working full time, raising Layla, planting a faith community and being apart of our arts community through VOX and hanging out with Tim when I can steal a moment.
I think God allows us to go through times when life feels truly chaotic in order to help us focus and see what we really want in our lives and what He is calling us to.
Tim and I truly believe in the reasons why we came to Toronto. We came to the amazing city to make a difference. We believe that God is at work here and that we get the privilege of working beside him to make Toronto a better city.
I have been reading through the Sermon on the Mount and I really stopped and concentrated on the phrase -"We are the salt of the earth". I was thinking about what salt does to food. It brings out the favour. Tim and I are in Toronto to help make Toronto taste better - to bring out the good things that God has placed in this city. Those good things are all around us because people are made in the image of God - God has placed His imprint in us. We so desire for the people here in Toronto to see the goodness of who God is and how He has already been working in their lives.
All this to say I can feel God sharping my focus as our family walk through this time of what feels like chaos. I'm looking forward to the ways that He is calling to this city through Montage.

A New Heart

2011-05-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

Today I walked through the doors of Sick Kids Hospital - a world renowned hospital just 2 subway stops away from me. I went there today to visit my cousin who I actually have never met. His son is currently in the hospital. They live in Nove Scotia and 10 days ago they took their son to the doctor with what they thought was a chest infection and they quickly found out that his heart, his 13 year old heart is failing him. They had an hour to pack and he was then air lifted to Toronto from Halifax. He is now on the waiting list for a new heart and will not leave the hospital until after the transplant. Wow - all of that in 10 day. The doctor has told his mother that they should expect to be in Toronto for the next 8 to 12 months. They live off a dirt road in Nove Scotia and have been dropped in the middle of the 5th largest city in North America. I can't even imagen all the turmoil and anxiousness that they are in the middle of. Waiting for a new heart.

King David in the Old Testament asks God for a new heart - a clean heart. I know that he was asking on spiritually level and not a literal level. It's had me thinking today about how our hearts can be broken in so many different ways. We could have an actual damaged heart that no longer is doing the job that it was designed to do. Thanks to amazing technology and very gifted people we have the heart transplant. As well Our hearts can be broken through relationships, through family, through the course of life - damaging our heart so that it no longer does what it was designed to do - love. We were designed to love. We have a Creator that designed our hearts with a very intense purpose - to keep us alive. There are many parts of our body that actually don't need - gallbladder take it or leave it - but our heart is a must. AND what is life without love. Very intense purpose these hearts of ours life and love.

"Create in me a new heart" Psalm 51:10

RISK

2011-05-04T10:49:00.000-04:00

Risk

It's been a word that's been floating around me for the past week or so. If you let it life can be boring, mundane but I don't think we were created to live that life. I think we are suppose to be on a adventure - This life holds so much and I think we are suppose to risk. ALL IN.
This week I wanted to give up. I wanted to move to a nice little house in some town and have regular jobs, that bring regular pay - move away from the craziness of city and what Tim and I are called here to do. This week I didn't want to risk anymore.
And then this song came onto my playlist in the car and reminded me the value of risking. I love the lyrics.

Risk - Paul Brandt
I’d rather stand on the edge of a cliff
And hang my toes over a bit,
And then jump when they dare me,
Even if it scares me and I get hurt.
I’d rather build my wings on the way down,
Do my best not to fall to the ground
and than laugh at my mistakes
‘cause there only lessons I’ll learn

Chorus:
I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and hope
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.

Well I guess I could just play it safe
and forget about love, hope and faith,
with my eye on the shore line,
keeping my boat tied and staying home,

ohhh but I’ll never discover new land
by keeping my feet on the sand
No I’d rather set sail
and get carried away by the storm.

Chorus:
I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and hope
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.
I would rather risk

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control,
I’d live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
Oh I just can’t resist,
The chance to risk

Ohhh live, and love and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss

Tim and I believe that there is better future for Toronto. We love this city and it is worth the risk. I believe that there is a community of hope, love and faith that is needed and I'm so happy to say that I am ALL IN to make this community come about in Toronto. We are created for good works and bring light into this world. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Risk just a bit see what happens

2011-04-21T05:30:00.001-04:00

Somethimes I think we are too comfortable. We take the same way to work, do the same thing on Thursday night and see the same people all the time. Our bubble of saftey. In this bubble it's harder to get hurt, although it happens and it gives us sense of perdictability. This bubble though is limiting. What if we risked just a bit - shook things up, taking time to look at the world in a different light? What if you left the safety of your normal path and see what the rest of the world is up too.
For the next 21 days I'm in a reality game that is doing just that. So I'll report in to let you know how my journey is going.
It's almost my streetcar stop so I need go and maybe I'll walk on the opposite side of the street just to see the view from there.

Professionalism & Tears

2011-03-30T18:03:00.000-04:00

Well I had an interesting experience yesterday at work. I was helping a young mom off of a flight and we started, like most moms, talking about our kids. She mention that she was coming into Toronto for a check up for her daughter. Her beautiful daughter now 11 months was born at 29 weeks, the same as Izaak. This beautiful little girl looked so healthy and I looked at her and saw the miracle of life. I told our passenger congratulations and that her daughter was beautiful and wished them well on their way. As she left I proceed to catch my breath and try not to have a break down at the gate, which gave me an instant headache.
I'm not sure if I should have said something to the lady that I had just met, it's hard to know how one person may react and I wasn't sure if I started talking about Izaak if I would be able to keep it together.
As well, a few days ago there was another family at the airport and I ask how old their son was and with a reply of 14 months I instantly thought thats how old Izaak's should be. And then I took that thought and processed it a bit. I say things like that a lot - Izaak should be this, or life should like this etc but it's not. Izaak was never meant to be 14 months or 14 years old he live his 3 hours here and now I believe that he doing was he was always meant to do. I believe that there is something eles after this life and that is what Izaak is enjoying. I believe he was created for eternity and that he was always meant to be with his creator.

So there are times when I put on my professional face even when all I want to do is shed a few tears and I remember I am a mom to Layla and to Izaak. One day I will meet my son and hear about his life on the other side of this world and all my tears here and the brave face can subside and my joy, for many reasons will be complete.

Relationships

2011-03-25T05:24:00.000-04:00

Well I'm writing this from my iPhone at 5am so I'm sorry for any auto corrects or simple blurry eyed typing.
It been two weeks since I head back to work. It's been really interesting. For the most part I've really enjoyed it. By the time I'm done work at 2 I'm ready and excited to head home and see and see Layla. On the other side I look forward to heading to work in the morning to see my collegues and enjoy interacting with with our passengers.
As I head into this job I try to remember that it is all about relationships. My relationships with my coworkers and the all the people that I will engage with. If I loose sight that life quickley becomes taxing and boring all at the same time. Each person has a story, a journey, a series if events that hav led them to this moment. So instead of focusing on personality differnces or weakness or on how we are different I think we need to focus on how we are the same. We are all created beings - humans - we have a need to loved and accepted and that we are apart of something greater. I think that's why I want to focus on relationships and see the beauty behind the person.
So there are my 5am amusing on the spadina streetcar

Layla & Izaak

2011-03-20T08:01:00.000-04:00

What a week! I put blogging aside this week but I'm hopping as I adjust to working full time and balancing out family life I'll be able to jump back into blogging on a regular basis.

So last night Layla told me in a very excited voice "Mom, I love my brother Izaak, he is going to come over and play with me" Wow how do I respond to that. We've talking to Layla about Izaak and I've been showing Layla pictures of him. We want Layla to understand that she does have brother. But I know as she gets older I'll have to explain more and more what happened. Right now I'm just enjoying her innocence in it all. I love hearing her talk about Izaak. I does make my heart drop for a second but I love her child heart and the joy she has when talks about her brother.

Dear Layla
Thank you for you beautiful caring heart, for your joy and laughter. You have helped in my healing. One day when you are older I'm looking forward to sitting down with you and being able to express my gratitude to you for all the ways that you have helped your mommy & daddy. You are a big sister to a very special little brother. I love you so much. Thank you for being silly and cute.
Love Always
Mommy

Back To Work

2011-03-14T08:56:00.000-04:00

Today I head back to work. Wow - it feels a bit strange. Last week Porter Airlines offered me a job working at the city airport down on the harbour front in Toronto. I'm pretty excited about it and a bit nervous. Overall though I think it's going to be great for our family. Layla will be at pre-school 3 days a week, which she is so excited about - my social butterfly. I'm looking forward to a change in routine and meeting my co-workers.
So it should be an interesting day!

Izaak's Well

2011-03-12T12:03:00.000-05:00

This week has been filled with emotions for me. So many different things happened - BIG things small things, extremely exciting news and devastating news. I've been trying to process it all in amongst our car breaking down and Layla being sick with the flu.

So today lets go with BIG, EXCITING NEWS

On Wednesday while I was the grocery store I checked my iphone for email and the most beautiful message had arrived. A message from Sara Erwin who started Holden Uganda had send pictures of Izaak's well. Holden Uganda is an amazing organization. Last year Sara and her husband Chet lost their son Holden just shortly before his birth. A few months later they started Holden Uganda an organization that builds well through out the country of Uganda. AND on top of it all they are honouring families that they know by dedicating each of the well's with the name of their infant that has past away. Their goal was to build 9 wells in 9 months. That goal started in December - Izaak's well is number 17!!! If you are interested in more information about Holden Uganda please visit their website.

After opening these photos in the middle of store I wanted to share with everyone :) It was truly a beautiful moment in my life. At this point we have Izaak's ashes with us at home, so we didn't have any marker, headstone or anything like that out in the world saying that he lived. Now in the middle of a village in Uganda is the most beautiful life giving marker that tells the story of my son. Izaak's short life matter. Thank you so much Sara & Chet. Your amazing hearts and generosity has blessed us.

Waiting

2011-03-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting today - waiting by the phone and checking my email. I've been looking for work for the past two months or so and today should be the day I hear back from one of the company's that I've interviewed with. Over these past months I've turned down a few jobs and I've been turned down as well.

In this waiting today I'm nervous. I'm nervous to get the job because that will mean some life change for our family and nervous if I don't because of the rejection I may feel.

Today I feel like the tulips blooming on my kitchen counter. They are getting to the point the if you touch the pedals they would fall off. They are delicate right now. I've been growing, blooming, reaching out of the dark soil in search the light but I still feel delicate, like my pedals could falls with to much shaking.

Rejection is a deeper issue in my life that I've been working with the counselor that I see. I think we all can fear it. That person in your life, in your job that suddenly says "no your not worth it" It's voice I struggle with a lot.

So today I guess I'm just sharing my heart and where I'm at. I fight today - I fight to remember the truth and remember my worth is not placed in my career or my title but worth is my character and who's image I've been created in.

Find Beauty

2011-03-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

I think it's so important to find beauty in the smallest of moments through out our days. My moment this morning is my daughter playing with her little race cars with our spring flowers blooming on our counter as her backdrop. It's beautiful, it's simple - it's life and it's good. Look for beauty today, it won't be hard to find.

Something to talk about

2011-03-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

Over the past week since I posted about the depression I've been struggling with over the past 18 months I am surprised with how many people have been in touch to tell me that they have struggled or are struggling with depression.
I think it still feels like this taboo topic that we shouldn't talk about. That those of us who are fight through this everyday have something to be ashamed of. We'll I'm here to tell you that you don't. And I am here to tell that you are worth fighting for. I believe there is a God, I know some of you may not but I want you to understand were I am coming from. I believe there is a God who created YOU - beautiful you. AND you are worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for, because I was created by God. Please fight!! Depression seeks to isolate and break down your soul. The darkness that surrounds can feel utterly controlling and completely overwhelming.
How do we fight? We talk about it. Talk to counselor, talk to your family, talk to your doctor, talk to your friends, talk to God - talk about it.
When I lost Izaak I believed for months that I lost him because God must have known that I wasn't a good mother. That lie in my life wasn't broken until I spoke it out my friend Kate and to my husband Tim. Almost as soon as those words let my mouth I realized that it was lie that had been believing and it had been dragging me into a deeper depression.

Please if you or if someone you know is struggling though this be courageous and talk.

Hello World

2011-03-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

So often music speaks the very soul of a person. Today I was in the car for about 5 hours and I basically listened to one album all day. The song "Hello World" by Lady Antebellum spoke so clearly to me today.
I battle with depression. And I have been for the past 18 months. If you calculate thats about 6 months before we loss our son Izaak. In August of 2009 Tim and I moved to Detroit, MI for 6 months to be apart of a training program for the two organizations that we are starting here in Toronto. Those 6 months were some of the most lonely difficult months in my life and then we lost Izaak. So I battle everyday. Some days I win, some days I don't - more and more lately I feel like I am winning. I have a greater understanding of how the brain actually handles trama and that has helped quite a bit. Which I'll probably blog about later.
So back the Lady Antebellum song - As I listened to it over and over again. It felt like a war cry to my battle. As I reach up out the darkness and continue to seek out healing this song speaks to my soul.
Here are the lyrics

Traffic crawls
Cell Phone Calls
Talk radio screams at me through my tinted window
I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face
Got little hands, and she waves at me, yeah she smiles at me.

Well Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend
Sometimes I feel, Cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, a little hope in a little girl, Well HELLO WORLD

Everyday I drive by a little white church,
its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in, say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there
Oh I know he's there, Yeah I know he's there

Well Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend,
Sometimes I feel as Cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, a little grace, little faith unfurl.
Well Hello World

Sometimes I forget what living's for, And i hear my life through my front door,
and I'll be there,
oh I'm home again
I See my wife, little boy, little girl, Hello World

Hello World
All the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World

In the last verse the words "I remember why I'm here, Just surrender and believe" calls my weary soul to remember. I have purpose here in this world. This helps me to see my way out of the darkness. I love how truth can be spoken in so many forms.

Layla's innocence and laughter have helped us through these dark periods as well and I think the song speaks to that.

Once I got home tonight I watched the video and it was very powerful as well.

If you are battling too, don't give up - you are here for a reason. I believe there is a purpose and destiny for our lives. I believe that YOU just like me are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Good Bye February

2011-02-28T18:38:00.000-05:00

So I know we are suppose to seize the day, live like it's your last day and all those other cliche but I am just going to be completely honest here. The 28 days (sometimes 29) that run their course through the month of February are my least favorite out of the whole year. In January you have the after the Christmas clean up and the all the hopes of new year but I swear February first hits and I am ready for March. Dark days, bad weather, never ending colds, kids and adults with cabin fever. Bleh sorry February you are not really my friend and I'm not sad to see you leave 2011. Hello March the hope of Spring, day light savings, and those little green buds that will be out by the 31st. I am excited for rain boots, lighter coats, lighter days. Brush of the harshness of winter and welcome the renewal of springtime.

So to quote my friend Claudia Osmand "Dear February, Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

India

2011-02-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

So in 10 months I'll be heading to India again! Vox International the non-profit organization that Tim and I work with will be featuring our trip once their new website launches in the next month or so. I've been asked to write 6 articles about the up coming trip. After writing my first one I am even more excited about the work that we will be doing there. It will truly be an amazing time of serving, empowering and help people see their value as a human.
In March through my Etsy online store I will be holding fund raiser. For 3 days in March you will be able to purchase a piece of jewellery and 100% of the profits will go towards the India trip. Stay tuned for details!!!

The Passage of Time

2011-02-15T08:25:00.000-05:00

Time is a friend and time can be cruel. I live in both of these realities.

James Taylor sings that "The secret to life is enjoy the passage of time". Its true in so many ways.

All year I've been desiring to get past the one year mark with Izaak. It's as if you enter into a different point with your grieving, it's very real but it starts become more bittersweet and there are parts of you that can move forward. In this way time is a real friend. Nine years ago today my sister past away from complication of MS. I'm not sad today. I miss her and I would love to see her smiling face but I'm no longer devastated by the loss. She is no longer in pain and is living in a beauty beyond words. God uses time to heal. It is very much my friend.

Yesterday I was chatting with Erin the founder of Hope Mommies and I said to her that there are day that I don't want to move forward, I just want to stay locked behind my grief. This is where time can be cruel. Those moments I had with Izaak, the feeling of holding even if it was ever so short and I swear I could still feel him in my arms , The days after where I would wake and still swear I would feel him kicking or wake and I think the whole thing was just an awful nightmare - In those small moments I set aside reality even if ever so briefly and I had my son.

I no longer do that - Time has pass and some times it feels a bit cruel.

That all may sound like I'm still on the brink of reality.

Right now, today time is my friend. I can remember my sister with joy in my soul and long for my son and remember where he is.

So today I will learn how to enjoy the passage of time. Tomorrow I may feel different about time just like yesterday when it felt so cruel but in the present I will enjoy it as a friend.

Colonoscopy - I know what a title!

2011-02-11T09:27:00.001-05:00

Yeah you read that title right. I figure if Katie Couric could have one done on live tv, I could at least blog about it. Not about Katie's colonoscopy but about the frightening call from doctor that lead to mine.
My sweet little Layla was just over 100 days old and that call came from the doctor. The test results are in and we need to see you right away. Bleh - what a feeling. My mind travelled quickly, too quickly. Off to the doctor's office to be told at 28 I would need to go in for a colonoscopy. Okay honestly my first thoughts were - thats just gross - I mean I've just given birth and shyness is no longer an option, but really you want to do what where??????? My mind then travelled again to the other c word - Cancer - could it be? The average wait time in Ontario is over 2 months for the procedure, mine was booked for 2 weeks away. Some thing was going on it and scared me.
Really the who procedure isn't that bad, mainly because they drug you up and then next thing you know you have nurse waking you by asking you to fart - really nice wake call huh? The worst part is the prep the night before and if you want more info on that watch the opening scene of Ghost Town - Ricky Gervais plays a pretty convincing role :)

My very caring doctor (insert sarcasm) told me while I was drugged up "yeah I think it just colitis, we'll call you later"

OK - WHAT??

Two weeks after that I was back in the doctors office with the very good news that it wasn't cancer but an auto immune disorder called Proctitis.

Much relief and two and half year since of understanding how my body now works. Understanding what I can eat and when I can eat it. Trying to reduce stress (this year has been full of it) and pretty much catching every cold & flu that's out there.

After one particularly rough spring season - I think I had about 5 different colds on top of my Procitis, fatigued and drained of energy - I cried out to God "Why, why aren't you healing me" And felt very clearly in my spirit "You need to stop asking for that right now"
I know that might sound very strange. But it was so clear. I then felt God say "You need to start asking 'what can I learn through sickness' "

"Really? I think I could learn a lot through the miraculous healing too God!" But no that's not my journey at this point - maybe one day it will be.

So what am I learning right now?

1.Physical healing isn't the most important thing - allow healing in your soul to happen is more important

2.Sometimes you need to say No - whether that's the food I love or the desire jam packing my schedule - Rest for the body and soul is so important

3.I need help sometimes - relying on my husband, my family and friends

So there is another part of my journey. I hope you were able to read a bit of lightheartedness into it.

My encouragement is to always seek out healing - its comes in many form all them from God. All wisdom comes from God so seek out medical help - If you are over 50 GET your colonoscopy done!! Everyone go for your physicals! And PRAY and if you find yourself in situation where you feel like you are fighting your own body for control ask: What can I learn, how can I grow.

Disease can claim your body, but its our choice if we let it claim our spirits.

I don't want to be just a Survivor

2011-02-10T08:59:00.001-05:00

Over the past weekend while I was in Texas I was highly encouraged by fellow Hope Mommies to start blogging again. As well as I spent by myself praying and taking time to refocus I felt this call to a great transparency in my life.

The past 4 years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I'm feeling the need to share some of this journey. Not so that it is a pity party or a cry for attention but I believe we go through situations in our life's journey that can help and give light to other people.
Life is hard and its beautiful. We are not meant to journey alone - we need each other. I fully believe this. We need people.

I've never liked the word survivor - I don't want to simply survive this life. I want thrive, I want to live an abundant life and I know the source of this life.

So if you want to journey with me through some difficult topics like - infant loss, depression, sexual abuse, life's transitions I invite you along. It won't neat and tidy and I still have about a million questions. But this is my journey and I want, I need to see the beauty behind the pain.

I believe there is God and I believe in Jesus. I believe there is a guiding Spirit that is walking with us. So I am asking God for strength and wisdom in how to write and share. And I am so thankful that this God loves me.

Psalm 139:1-6
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

A Trip to the store

2011-02-09T11:10:00.000-05:00

So this morning while Layla is in nursery school I headed to the grocery store. This simple task as changed so much since I moved to the city. I used to simply drive to the store - shop - load my car - carry the groceries the few steps from the car to the house - unpack. Simple enough. However this all changed when we moved to downtown Toronto. The grocery store I shop at is on two levels and is pretty compact. The biggest issue is that you can't take your cart to your car. Think about that - cart full of food, tp, papertowel etc plus a 30 pound toddler that has had enough of shopping - yeah that's pretty much awful. So I now find a time when I can go by myself. I need to go early in the morning before it's busy so that I can park close to the door because I leave my cart at the front door and madly dash back and forth to load everything into my car. I then drive to our apartment. Drive to the back of building and unload my groceries by the back door - I go and park my car - I then load the groceries into the stairwell being thankful that we level on the second floor, I then haul the groceries up the stairs taking 4 or 5 trips to get them all in.

So here I am lamenting about this and suddenly I start to think about Africa. This past weekend I was in Texas and I was in conversation with women who are doing so many amazing things there. And then I think about what a women in Africa who does not have a well near by and what she has to do to simply get water. Okay I totally need to stop complaining and start being thankful for what I have. Some women in the world today will have to walk over 8 hours just to get water. They will carry this water on this water that weighs over 20 kilos on their head. What do I do to simply get this life saving source? I turn on my tap.

I am so thrilled that Izaak's name will soon grace the front of a water well in Africa. For more information about how you can be apart of helping women, men and child receive water please check out what my friend Sara is doing with Holden Uganda in honor of their son Holden whom they lost this past year. This well's are amazing and so affordable. Below is my friend Kelly's well in honour of their son Noah.

My Izaak

2011-02-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

For the longest time I wanted to keep my photo's of Izaak private. But after this weekend after seeing of the beautiful photo's of everyones babies I feel strong enough to share these now.

So here is my son - all 2 pounds 10 ounces of him. He was created for eternity. My arms will long for him always and there will be a day when I can hear about his journey and hold him again.

To Texas and Back

2011-02-08T13:08:00.000-05:00

I am truly thankful this morning. I'm trying to process all that I was able to taken in this weekend and thankfulness is what is pouring forth.

Let me catch you up since its been about 6 months since my last blog.

Through out the fall I've been journeying with my friend Kelly who lost their beautiful baby boy Noah in September. Walking with Kelly has been one of the largest helps in my journey of grief. Being able to process with Kelly all the feelings that I've had over this year since we had Izaak has been such a blessing. In December Kelly asked me to be apart of a retreat weekend with 9 other women who have suffered the lost of baby. Wonderful amazing people made it possible for all 10 of us to head to a beautiful ranch near Brady Texas.

What a weekend! All of these women had met online and for most of us it was the first time meeting face to face. We had people travel from Germany and the west coast and of course from Canada to share, laugh, cry, laugh, pray, worship, cry all with women who have gone through saying good bye to our children.

I kept thinking through out the weekend that this the most amazing club (group of women) that you never want to be invited into. But God has been using each of our story to do something greater then we could imagine.

I'm still processing so much - so there will be a few more blogs about this trip.
(And I'll try not to wait 6 months!!)

Thankfulness in a difficult year

2010-10-10T12:58:00.000-04:00

This weekend here in Canada is Thanksgiving. I have a ton to be thankful for! I am on this crazy adventure with a wonderful husband, I spend the better parts of my day getting hugs from a sweet little two year old and I am apart of movement that wants to see the world become a better place. I feel firm in my belief about love and hope and faith. I'm seeing my world expand and grow more then I thought possible.
As some people know it's been one of the most difficult years for me as well. Loosing our son is a deep sorrow that I still struggle with. Yet I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I was able to carry him, I was able to hold him and see his handsome face. I'm thankful for all the things that his life is still teaching me.
So it's a good year to be thankful.

In the business of life I almost let this weekend dedicated to thankfulness slip me by. Take some time today and remember what your thankful.

Response goes to India

2010-10-06T08:01:00.000-04:00

It’s really been an exciting month for me! Both Tim and I turned 30, we had our first event for the non profit group that moved to Toronto to start, my online store launch and my Jewellery is now in 5 different stores in Ontario! Phew what a month. October to proving to be just as exciting!
In 1999 I spent two months in India working with Youth With A Mission. Thanks to facebook I’ve been able to keep in contact with some of the missionaries there. They saw the information about Response’s online launch and they have asked to me come to India in February to teach some of the women that they have been working with in the slums the art of Jewellery making. WOW – I‘m feeling so privileged for the opportunity! I truly love India and this will be my third trip there.
I’m hoping to take Response to another level of …well a response. On this trip I’ll be teaching Jewellery making and brainstorming with the missionaries there on how to set up a fair trade business that will truly help this women break the cycle of poverty in their lives.
I’m hoping to take a team of 3 or 4 women with me. I've asked another jewellery maker, a crisis worker, and a children's author to come - we range in ages from 25 to 45
They have also asked me to teach in their School of Evangelism and Pioneering. Which I am excited and nervous for!
SO all this to stay is that for the next 4 months I’ll be raising funds to make this trip and vision happen. I will be changing the way I have set up donations for Response Jewellery. I will still be donating to Compassion Canada for their AIDS Initiative and I will also be donating to make this trip happen as well.
I'm hoping that if you know of anyone that might be interested in hosting a jewellery party or if you would consider hosting a jewellery party in the next 4 months these if you would contact me. You would be inviting your family and friend to not only make a difference in the life of someone suffering through the AIDS pandemic in Africa but they would also be helping to start a fair trade organization dedicated to changing the lives of the these women in the slums of India.

Spadina Road Day 2

2010-05-28T07:16:00.002-04:00

Well I've graduated from sitting on our one lawn chair to sitting on our new condo size couch that was delivered yesterday. Yesterday was a day FULL of painting. I started at 8am and painting until 10:30pm. I'm counting it as an amazing work out to balance off the yummy Spinach & Feta Croissant that I indulged in. THE PAINTING IS DONE! Now we are off this morning to pick up our boxes out in Ajax. We have some wonderful guys coming over these morning to put together our Ikea furniture and by the end of the day the apartment will be transformed once again.
I was able to meet one of our neighbours - Oliver who lives on the third floor. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of neighbours this coming week.

Tim is off to his CT Scan this morning, fun times.

love to all
Melissa

Spadina Road

2010-05-27T07:04:00.001-04:00

This morning I'm sitting on a lawn chair surround by paint cans and a few boxes and I just want to pinch myself! Here we are in the Annex right on Spadina Road. After almost 2 years planning we are here and now the work begins.
I love our new place! And it'll be our for the next 3 years or more. Can't wait for the stories that will come out of this apartment. All the ways that we'll see relationships formed and a start in working along side some great people in seeing the city of Toronto become better city.
Honestly everyone is invited over! Maybe not all at once but we would love to have you here!
I'm off to paint and clean!
Much, MUCH Love
Melissa

A call to the cities

2010-05-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting interaction this morning. Let me give you some back ground first before I tell you about it. Over 10 years ago I had the amazing privilege of spending 2 months in India. It was certainly a life changing experience. I met some truly great people while I was there and thanks to Facebook we can keep in touch.

So my interesting experience. I was chatting on Facebook with one of my Indian friends this morning. I was letting him know that we are moving into the heart of Toronto in 10 days. (side note - very excited about all of this!!!) My friend was such an encouragement to me. He shared about how so many people are leaving the downtown core in cities and how much need is there. He talked about how he was encouraged to see us move there. He even gave me a list of books he thought would be helpful. Love it!

Tim and I firmly believe that there is a very special and unique call to the cities of the world. We believe that more and more people need to move back into the cities in order to help make the city a better place so that the city can find its humanity in Jesus. I love how God is speaking that same message all over the world. To my friend in India all the way to my friends here in Toronto that are moving into this city that so much impact. So what is your call to the city - the city you live in, maybe the city you don't live in? How can your life impact that city or neighbourhood? We all can, we all are impacting it - it's our choice if we will impact it for worse, for the good or for the best.

Thanks Muthu for your encouragement this morning!

Challenge your Creativity

2010-04-29T21:43:00.000-04:00

I've been making jewellery for a number of years now. It's kinda second nature to me now. I can sit down with a tray full of coloured bobbles and come up with a design. I love doing this. It's a hobby that relaxes me and at one point really challenged my creativity.

However like I said it kinda become second nature, so I decide to challenge my creativity again. I headed off to the bead store this week and picked up new and different supplies. AND oh my word I sat down last night and was lost. At first I just wanted to do what was comfortable and but I limited myself to my new supplies to see what I would come up with.

Normally in an evening I can make 10 pieces last night I made 3. And my brain hurt and my fingers were sore from handling the new wire and my eyes were tired. However what laid before me at the end of the night was a new creation. AND beside these 3 piece I could visualize more and more designs. It was a great feeling.

I think this is something I need to do more and more. Challenge my creativity, challenge my brain. DO something new.

So if your interested in releasing some of that creativity in you here are some ideas to help:

Read a different style of book
Listen your kids OR to your parents music
Write
Take the long way home
Take time to really look at nature - spring is here its the perfect time
love deeply

Bring Meaning

2010-04-28T16:10:00.000-04:00

So in an effort to stop just looking at myself and I what I need, want, desire so on and so on I decide this morning that I want to bring meaning to someone else's day. AND not just anybody but I wanted it to be someone I didn't know which means I needed to step out of my comfort zone.

AND speaking of stepping out the second I stepped outside of my door to head downtown this morning I completely forgot about my goal.

With my car keys in my hand getting ready to head home a lady stops me on the corner of Queen and Augusta. It suddenly hit me as she asked for some change about the goal. So I asked if she had eaten lunch yet and she said no. So I gave her enough to pick up something to eat.

NOW - is that giving meaning to someone's day? She was very grateful and I received a hug and God bless from her. But I wish that I would have taken it one step further. If I could hop into my DeLorean I would go back and do this - role scenario

"Excuse me lady do you have an change"

"Yeah, here let me take a look - have you had lunch yet"

"No"

"Well here's enough for lunch" handing her some money then asking "would you mind if I joined you, I haven't eaten yet either"

If she took me up on the offer, I would have asked her about her, about her life or maybe we would have just chatted about the weather and windy it is.

end scenario

I need to remember that the investment of time and connection can bring so much meaning into a person life. I hope one day me and dear lady can have lunch.

10 Thousand

2010-04-27T14:08:00.001-04:00

SO a few years ago I started Response Jewellery. I design and sell jewellery in order to help raise money for Compassion Canada's AIDS Initiative. I checked in yesterday so far in the 3 years we've raised over $7200! So my goal for the end of 2010 is to push that up over $10 thousand. So if you are interested in a mothers day gift or hosting a party let me know!!

Reality Check

2010-04-26T11:11:00.001-04:00

So for the past few weeks I've been struggling with finding meaning in my work. In the middle of changing diapers and making lunch I lost sight of my meaning. In a desire to feel accomplished I looked outward to try find something that says this, this thing that you do that gives you meaning.

This morning as I prep for a jewellery party that I'm having tonight a turned on a podcast from Mosaic. They are currently having a conversation titled "Reality Check". Ok wow - yeah needed that this morning. Here are a few things that I learned that I hope will help re-aline my thinking:

1. I bring meaning to whatever I do. So whether I'm playing tea party with Layla or I'm raising money for Compassion AIDS initiative I get to bring meaning to that situation.
2. If I continue to only focus on myself I'll never be satisfied in what I'm doing. My life needs to be about others and about how I can bring the most good into the world. If I looked to only fulfill my own needs happiness will allude me.
3. God has created my life to have an expression. Our journey's all look different. There isn't one shape or size. But there is one Jesus and our lives should be on journey that is moving us closer to Him.

This was a much needed reality check for me today.

My Pace Car

2010-04-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

I've spent the past days thinking about the term "pace car". Funny term to have rolling around in your head I know. So just looked it up to be sure I was associating correctly.

Wikipedia says this about a Pace Car

"In motorsport, a safety car or pace car is a car which limits the speed of competing cars on a racetrack in the case of a caution period such as an obstruction on the track. During a caution period the safety car enters the track ahead of the leader. Competitors are not allowed to pass the safety car or other competitors during a caution period, and the safety car leads the field at a pre-determined safe speed, which may vary by series and circuit. At the end of the caution period, the safety car leaves the track and the competitors may resume racing."

So why the heck have been thinking about this?

Well the other night I went for a run - all by myself. Normally Tim and I run together with Layla in her jogging stroller. This it was just me and Layla. And what happened? I couldn't run the whole circuit. Tim is a much more experienced runner then me. So when we are running together he judges how fast we should go in order for me to run the whole thing. By myself I started too fast and ran out of steam pretty quickly.

So that had me thinking about how Tim is sort of like my pace car, not just running but in a lot of other areas. Tim is the big picture guy and I'm the details person. So often he is looking out ahead and is able to caution me when I get lost in the details of the moment. It's one of the reasons I love him.

All that to say I think everyone needs a person who is a pace car in their life. Someone to watch out for them. It may be a parent, spouse or friend. We aren't ment to do this life alone. I hope you have a person who is like that in your life and I equally hope you can do that for someone else.

Hard Truths

2010-04-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

This is a week that I have been expecting since last August. It looks different then what I thought it would. This is the week that my son Izaak was due. He was born, lived and died 11 weeks and two days ago. When all of this happened I didn't think that I would be this broken about it all. I didn't think that it would hurt this much. I didn't think that it would be hard to breath or this ache in my chest would prevalent. And most of all I was expecting the lies I would face and fight almost everyday.

The lies:
1. That Izaak was taken from me because I'm not a good mother
2. I'm unaccomplished and I've failed
3. That desiring to something other then just be a mother must mean I'm selfish

There are a host of others

SO to combat these lies I must be reminded of the truth

1. I have a wonderful daughter! Good kids are a result of good parenting and lots of grace from God. And I believe that the father of light gives good gifts to us.
2. My husband last night kindly reminded me of what I've been able to do these past 30 years and just because I don't have a degree hanging on my wall doesn't mean that I have not accomplished much in these 30 years. AND yes I've failed, I have failed at much BUT that means I've risked, I've tried, I've moved forward.
3. If you look at what Proverbs 31 says about a woman of noble character - she is a women full of responsibilities and not all of them are at home.

Okay as I read this back to myself, this post could sound like a pity party and boasting all at the same time. But I'm in my efforts to be transparent this is my reality.

So I repeat this truth to myself -

I AM LOVED
I HAVE HOPE

Walk

2009-11-29T09:21:00.003-05:00

There is call to action
a call to passion
a call to walk
to run
A call to live a life
filled with hope
during hopeless times
filled with joy
in the sadness of times

You can not live this life
passively, you must walk
you must be moving forward
You must lay aside yourself
to find something great, better
then you could ever dream

So walk today, run to the life
that holds a great promise

Consider

2009-11-24T07:33:00.002-05:00

Today I ponder
I think about the future
I hold on to the day
What will it bring
How will I live it
What will I be at the end of it
A day can bring so much
The future of endless possibilities
So I take a moment
I ponder
I dream
I consider
I hope
This future laid out before me
I have been given a choice
My heart can reflect circumstances
or
My heart can reflect a truth
that is deeper
that goes beyond circumstances
a truth
that brings hope, that brings love
the choice is mine
consider, ponder, hope, dream
What will you choose today?

The moment

2009-11-16T09:06:00.003-05:00

To find that moment
in the chaos
in the busyness
in life
Can find me restless
wanting to find more
more than just the mundane
more then just the ins and outs
of daily life
My desire
the abundant life
the passionate life
the life that holds
wonder
awe
the unexplained

The my eyes open
my heart awakes
my mind transformed
I see, I feel, I know
Here in the daily routine
I find life
I my joy in serving
in the passion that is all around me
I do not need to seek it out
it has found me
it is right in front of me

My Provider

2009-11-11T10:20:00.003-05:00

How quickly my mind
doubts, fears
How quickly do I
worry, wonder
How many times
have you rescued
saved
restored
provided
Yet how small must my faith be
that I still question

You are strength
The gift of faith made strong
I can rest
my worried heart
my anxious thoughts
you take them
You make away
when all feels lost
You rescue
save
restore
provide

O be glad my heart
for the one who cares
enough for me

I do not walk alone

2009-02-21T18:49:00.003-05:00

Today I am weak

My eyes are heavy

My heart downcast

Today I need to rest in your strength

I need to rely on you

I look to you

for wisdom

for healing

When I feel lost

when my way is unclear

Help to remember that I am found in you

You guide me

You lead me

Please help me to follow

Help me to rest in your promises

that you never leave

never forsake me

You are trustworthy and

I do not walk alone

Faith, Hope & Love

2009-02-04T09:55:00.003-05:00

Today I will believe in the unseen
I will walk ahead knowing that
there the Spirit is walking with me
Today I choose FAITH

Today I will hold on to expectancy
knowing this faith will allow me to endure
With Joy I walk
Today I choose HOPE

Today I will cherish
those around me, my family, my friends
I will adore my Saviour
Today I will choose LOVE

The Light

2009-01-28T09:39:00.002-05:00

Why do focus on the darkness

on depravity

on our sinful nature

I am in the light

I worship the Son

Beauty surrounds me

the creation of the Creator

Yet I feel like the darkness chases me

Instead of seeing,

looking towards,

focusing on the light

I let my eyes, my heart

Continue to focus on the darkness

I know that God is removing

the sin and darkness from me

I think I to often dwell in

the mire

God let me see the majesty and the beauty

of YOU

Let my eyes focus on YOU

My daughter

2009-01-16T13:51:00.005-05:00

I love your sweet smile

your trust,

your love for me and

those bright, big eyes

Everyday I watch you grow

learn

love

seek

I have this great privilege

this privilege of being

Mom

Your so sweet, so silly

My words can not truly express

my dear Layla Grayce

how much I love you

how much I desire for you

to see beauty

to see God

to love

to hope

to be person of deep faith

God has been so kind

I pray my dear daughter

that everyday you see this kindness

2009

2009-01-01T09:28:00.003-05:00

The calender has turned

The promise of new day

The hope of new year

The path of the unknown

for all this year will hold

With great anticipation

With great expectations

With Hope

With Joy

I follow this path

I will walk into what this year holds for me

I will look towards the future

I will rejoice in today

I will learn from the past

I will ask for wisdom

I will seek understanding

I will love deeply, sacrificially

I will give

I will speak kind words

I will dwell with my Creator

I will risk

I will jump

I will follow

What will you do this year?

The Best Life

2008-12-23T21:22:00.002-05:00

What is the best life?

How can I live that?

What do I invest?

What do I pursue?

What do I give away?

Many believe that

money

fame

power

lead to the best life

Ah Ha! I already know that's not true

To walk down the road

that leads to

Relationship

Love

Selflessness

this path leads me

leads you

to the best life

So I invest my time

I pursue dreams - God-given dreams

I give away myself

Yes, this leads to the best life

Now the courage to follow

Simple Day

2008-12-22T21:45:00.003-05:00

The day is done

The house is still

Sustained for another day

To quickly I forget

the miracles of a simply lived day

to quickly I forget

prayers answered and life created

But tonight

tonight I reflect

on the this day

This simple day

Provision was made

Faith was strengthened

Hope renewed

Laughter happened

Joy was found

Life was lived

Winter Mornings

2008-12-21T09:03:00.002-05:00

As the wind blows

the freshly fallen snow

As the branches of the Evergreens

bend to bow their beauty

As the fire roars and crackles

beside the dancing lights

rest on the limbs of the Christmas tree

Hung or the memories of the past

and the promises fulfilled for today

As the hope of the future

Stirs and longs to burst forth from

deep within my being

A new winter day has arrived

With the babe asleep beside me

Softly I hear the music play

All is crying out to

WORSHIP

our Creator

on this winter morn

Joy and expectation of what is

and what will be

The bitter and the cold

surrounds

But this does not match my heart

The beauty of today

warms

Grace

2008-12-17T09:14:00.003-05:00

My faith is small
My understanding clouded
My sin
it makes me:
unworthy
unlovely
ugly
selfish

The GRACE of my Saviour
Strengthen my faith
Gives wisdom
Takes my sin
makes me:
Holy
Lovely
Beautiful
A Servant

The Glory of God
The Wonder of God
The Might of God
The Power of God

And He gives me, a sinner,

His Son
His Love
His Grace
His Mercy

Thank you my Father

2008-12-16T14:18:00.002-05:00

My heart feels weary

My eyes feel heavy

My soul feels thirsty

Your refreshing words

to fill me again

The word that touches

my very being

That goes beyond

any walls

The word that is alive

that heals

that restores

Fill me

empty me

Fill me again

To you O Lord

My life to you

What My Eyes See

2008-12-12T12:19:00.002-05:00

What shall I look upon today?
Where will my eyes travel?
Will I seek out beauty?
Will I seek out the lovely?
Can I look past the wretched
And see grace

Can I lay down my selfish eyes
Exchange them
to see value
to see compassion
to see hope

Can I put away my tearing eyes
in order
to see joy
to see laughter
to see happiness

Can I release my downcast eyes
Upwards
to see Christ
to see my Saviour
to see the light

O that this light
this light
might shine in me
Shine Him in me

I shall look upon beauty today
I shall look upon Christ.

To Find Joy

2008-12-11T14:01:00.002-05:00

A life filled with joy

In the darkest of moments

in the toughest of times

A choice to make

I claim joy

as my attitude

Joy as my longing

Joy fills the air

when laugter abounds

when love is present

Joy is easy to find

The test of faith

the test of will

When night falls

When the path turns

When only a faction

of hope remains

will I choose joy?