So I know we are suppose to seize the day, live like it's your last day and all those other cliche but I am just going to be completely honest here. The 28 days (sometimes 29) that run their course through the month of February are my least favorite out of the whole year. In January you have the after the Christmas clean up and the all the hopes of new year but I swear February first hits and I am ready for March. Dark days, bad weather, never ending colds, kids and adults with cabin fever. Bleh sorry February you are not really my friend and I'm not sad to see you leave 2011. Hello March the hope of Spring, day light savings, and those little green buds that will be out by the 31st. I am excited for rain boots, lighter coats, lighter days. Brush of the harshness of winter and welcome the renewal of springtime.
So to quote my friend Claudia Osmand "Dear February, Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
India
So in 10 months I'll be heading to India again! Vox International the non-profit organization that Tim and I work with will be featuring our trip once their new website launches in the next month or so. I've been asked to write 6 articles about the up coming trip. After writing my first one I am even more excited about the work that we will be doing there. It will truly be an amazing time of serving, empowering and help people see their value as a human.
In March through my Etsy online store I will be holding fund raiser. For 3 days in March you will be able to purchase a piece of jewellery and 100% of the profits will go towards the India trip. Stay tuned for details!!!
In March through my Etsy online store I will be holding fund raiser. For 3 days in March you will be able to purchase a piece of jewellery and 100% of the profits will go towards the India trip. Stay tuned for details!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Passage of Time
Time is a friend and time can be cruel. I live in both of these realities.
James Taylor sings that "The secret to life is enjoy the passage of time". Its true in so many ways.
All year I've been desiring to get past the one year mark with Izaak. It's as if you enter into a different point with your grieving, it's very real but it starts become more bittersweet and there are parts of you that can move forward. In this way time is a real friend. Nine years ago today my sister past away from complication of MS. I'm not sad today. I miss her and I would love to see her smiling face but I'm no longer devastated by the loss. She is no longer in pain and is living in a beauty beyond words. God uses time to heal. It is very much my friend.
Yesterday I was chatting with Erin the founder of Hope Mommies and I said to her that there are day that I don't want to move forward, I just want to stay locked behind my grief. This is where time can be cruel. Those moments I had with Izaak, the feeling of holding even if it was ever so short and I swear I could still feel him in my arms , The days after where I would wake and still swear I would feel him kicking or wake and I think the whole thing was just an awful nightmare - In those small moments I set aside reality even if ever so briefly and I had my son.
I no longer do that - Time has pass and some times it feels a bit cruel.
That all may sound like I'm still on the brink of reality.
Right now, today time is my friend. I can remember my sister with joy in my soul and long for my son and remember where he is.
So today I will learn how to enjoy the passage of time. Tomorrow I may feel different about time just like yesterday when it felt so cruel but in the present I will enjoy it as a friend.
James Taylor sings that "The secret to life is enjoy the passage of time". Its true in so many ways.
All year I've been desiring to get past the one year mark with Izaak. It's as if you enter into a different point with your grieving, it's very real but it starts become more bittersweet and there are parts of you that can move forward. In this way time is a real friend. Nine years ago today my sister past away from complication of MS. I'm not sad today. I miss her and I would love to see her smiling face but I'm no longer devastated by the loss. She is no longer in pain and is living in a beauty beyond words. God uses time to heal. It is very much my friend.
Yesterday I was chatting with Erin the founder of Hope Mommies and I said to her that there are day that I don't want to move forward, I just want to stay locked behind my grief. This is where time can be cruel. Those moments I had with Izaak, the feeling of holding even if it was ever so short and I swear I could still feel him in my arms , The days after where I would wake and still swear I would feel him kicking or wake and I think the whole thing was just an awful nightmare - In those small moments I set aside reality even if ever so briefly and I had my son.
I no longer do that - Time has pass and some times it feels a bit cruel.
That all may sound like I'm still on the brink of reality.
Right now, today time is my friend. I can remember my sister with joy in my soul and long for my son and remember where he is.
So today I will learn how to enjoy the passage of time. Tomorrow I may feel different about time just like yesterday when it felt so cruel but in the present I will enjoy it as a friend.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Colonoscopy - I know what a title!
Yeah you read that title right. I figure if Katie Couric could have one done on live tv, I could at least blog about it. Not about Katie's colonoscopy but about the frightening call from doctor that lead to mine.
My sweet little Layla was just over 100 days old and that call came from the doctor. The test results are in and we need to see you right away. Bleh - what a feeling. My mind travelled quickly, too quickly. Off to the doctor's office to be told at 28 I would need to go in for a colonoscopy. Okay honestly my first thoughts were - thats just gross - I mean I've just given birth and shyness is no longer an option, but really you want to do what where??????? My mind then travelled again to the other c word - Cancer - could it be? The average wait time in Ontario is over 2 months for the procedure, mine was booked for 2 weeks away. Some thing was going on it and scared me.
Really the who procedure isn't that bad, mainly because they drug you up and then next thing you know you have nurse waking you by asking you to fart - really nice wake call huh? The worst part is the prep the night before and if you want more info on that watch the opening scene of Ghost Town - Ricky Gervais plays a pretty convincing role :)
My very caring doctor (insert sarcasm) told me while I was drugged up "yeah I think it just colitis, we'll call you later"
OK - WHAT??
Two weeks after that I was back in the doctors office with the very good news that it wasn't cancer but an auto immune disorder called Proctitis.
Much relief and two and half year since of understanding how my body now works. Understanding what I can eat and when I can eat it. Trying to reduce stress (this year has been full of it) and pretty much catching every cold & flu that's out there.
After one particularly rough spring season - I think I had about 5 different colds on top of my Procitis, fatigued and drained of energy - I cried out to God "Why, why aren't you healing me" And felt very clearly in my spirit "You need to stop asking for that right now"
I know that might sound very strange. But it was so clear. I then felt God say "You need to start asking 'what can I learn through sickness' "
"Really? I think I could learn a lot through the miraculous healing too God!" But no that's not my journey at this point - maybe one day it will be.
So what am I learning right now?
1.Physical healing isn't the most important thing - allow healing in your soul to happen is more important
2.Sometimes you need to say No - whether that's the food I love or the desire jam packing my schedule - Rest for the body and soul is so important
3.I need help sometimes - relying on my husband, my family and friends
So there is another part of my journey. I hope you were able to read a bit of lightheartedness into it.
My encouragement is to always seek out healing - its comes in many form all them from God. All wisdom comes from God so seek out medical help - If you are over 50 GET your colonoscopy done!! Everyone go for your physicals! And PRAY and if you find yourself in situation where you feel like you are fighting your own body for control ask: What can I learn, how can I grow.
Disease can claim your body, but its our choice if we let it claim our spirits.
My sweet little Layla was just over 100 days old and that call came from the doctor. The test results are in and we need to see you right away. Bleh - what a feeling. My mind travelled quickly, too quickly. Off to the doctor's office to be told at 28 I would need to go in for a colonoscopy. Okay honestly my first thoughts were - thats just gross - I mean I've just given birth and shyness is no longer an option, but really you want to do what where??????? My mind then travelled again to the other c word - Cancer - could it be? The average wait time in Ontario is over 2 months for the procedure, mine was booked for 2 weeks away. Some thing was going on it and scared me.
Really the who procedure isn't that bad, mainly because they drug you up and then next thing you know you have nurse waking you by asking you to fart - really nice wake call huh? The worst part is the prep the night before and if you want more info on that watch the opening scene of Ghost Town - Ricky Gervais plays a pretty convincing role :)
My very caring doctor (insert sarcasm) told me while I was drugged up "yeah I think it just colitis, we'll call you later"
OK - WHAT??
Two weeks after that I was back in the doctors office with the very good news that it wasn't cancer but an auto immune disorder called Proctitis.
Much relief and two and half year since of understanding how my body now works. Understanding what I can eat and when I can eat it. Trying to reduce stress (this year has been full of it) and pretty much catching every cold & flu that's out there.
After one particularly rough spring season - I think I had about 5 different colds on top of my Procitis, fatigued and drained of energy - I cried out to God "Why, why aren't you healing me" And felt very clearly in my spirit "You need to stop asking for that right now"
I know that might sound very strange. But it was so clear. I then felt God say "You need to start asking 'what can I learn through sickness' "
"Really? I think I could learn a lot through the miraculous healing too God!" But no that's not my journey at this point - maybe one day it will be.
So what am I learning right now?
1.Physical healing isn't the most important thing - allow healing in your soul to happen is more important
2.Sometimes you need to say No - whether that's the food I love or the desire jam packing my schedule - Rest for the body and soul is so important
3.I need help sometimes - relying on my husband, my family and friends
So there is another part of my journey. I hope you were able to read a bit of lightheartedness into it.
My encouragement is to always seek out healing - its comes in many form all them from God. All wisdom comes from God so seek out medical help - If you are over 50 GET your colonoscopy done!! Everyone go for your physicals! And PRAY and if you find yourself in situation where you feel like you are fighting your own body for control ask: What can I learn, how can I grow.
Disease can claim your body, but its our choice if we let it claim our spirits.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I don't want to be just a Survivor
Over the past weekend while I was in Texas I was highly encouraged by fellow Hope Mommies to start blogging again. As well as I spent by myself praying and taking time to refocus I felt this call to a great transparency in my life.
The past 4 years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I'm feeling the need to share some of this journey. Not so that it is a pity party or a cry for attention but I believe we go through situations in our life's journey that can help and give light to other people.
Life is hard and its beautiful. We are not meant to journey alone - we need each other. I fully believe this. We need people.
I've never liked the word survivor - I don't want to simply survive this life. I want thrive, I want to live an abundant life and I know the source of this life.
So if you want to journey with me through some difficult topics like - infant loss, depression, sexual abuse, life's transitions I invite you along. It won't neat and tidy and I still have about a million questions. But this is my journey and I want, I need to see the beauty behind the pain.
I believe there is God and I believe in Jesus. I believe there is a guiding Spirit that is walking with us. So I am asking God for strength and wisdom in how to write and share. And I am so thankful that this God loves me.
Psalm 139:1-6
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
The past 4 years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I'm feeling the need to share some of this journey. Not so that it is a pity party or a cry for attention but I believe we go through situations in our life's journey that can help and give light to other people.
Life is hard and its beautiful. We are not meant to journey alone - we need each other. I fully believe this. We need people.
I've never liked the word survivor - I don't want to simply survive this life. I want thrive, I want to live an abundant life and I know the source of this life.
So if you want to journey with me through some difficult topics like - infant loss, depression, sexual abuse, life's transitions I invite you along. It won't neat and tidy and I still have about a million questions. But this is my journey and I want, I need to see the beauty behind the pain.
I believe there is God and I believe in Jesus. I believe there is a guiding Spirit that is walking with us. So I am asking God for strength and wisdom in how to write and share. And I am so thankful that this God loves me.
Psalm 139:1-6
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Trip to the store
So this morning while Layla is in nursery school I headed to the grocery store. This simple task as changed so much since I moved to the city. I used to simply drive to the store - shop - load my car - carry the groceries the few steps from the car to the house - unpack. Simple enough. However this all changed when we moved to downtown Toronto. The grocery store I shop at is on two levels and is pretty compact. The biggest issue is that you can't take your cart to your car. Think about that - cart full of food, tp, papertowel etc plus a 30 pound toddler that has had enough of shopping - yeah that's pretty much awful. So I now find a time when I can go by myself. I need to go early in the morning before it's busy so that I can park close to the door because I leave my cart at the front door and madly dash back and forth to load everything into my car. I then drive to our apartment. Drive to the back of building and unload my groceries by the back door - I go and park my car - I then load the groceries into the stairwell being thankful that we level on the second floor, I then haul the groceries up the stairs taking 4 or 5 trips to get them all in.
So here I am lamenting about this and suddenly I start to think about Africa. This past weekend I was in Texas and I was in conversation with women who are doing so many amazing things there. And then I think about what a women in Africa who does not have a well near by and what she has to do to simply get water. Okay I totally need to stop complaining and start being thankful for what I have. Some women in the world today will have to walk over 8 hours just to get water. They will carry this water on this water that weighs over 20 kilos on their head. What do I do to simply get this life saving source? I turn on my tap.
I am so thrilled that Izaak's name will soon grace the front of a water well in Africa. For more information about how you can be apart of helping women, men and child receive water please check out what my friend Sara is doing with Holden Uganda in honor of their son Holden whom they lost this past year. This well's are amazing and so affordable. Below is my friend Kelly's well in honour of their son Noah.
So here I am lamenting about this and suddenly I start to think about Africa. This past weekend I was in Texas and I was in conversation with women who are doing so many amazing things there. And then I think about what a women in Africa who does not have a well near by and what she has to do to simply get water. Okay I totally need to stop complaining and start being thankful for what I have. Some women in the world today will have to walk over 8 hours just to get water. They will carry this water on this water that weighs over 20 kilos on their head. What do I do to simply get this life saving source? I turn on my tap.
I am so thrilled that Izaak's name will soon grace the front of a water well in Africa. For more information about how you can be apart of helping women, men and child receive water please check out what my friend Sara is doing with Holden Uganda in honor of their son Holden whom they lost this past year. This well's are amazing and so affordable. Below is my friend Kelly's well in honour of their son Noah.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Izaak
For the longest time I wanted to keep my photo's of Izaak private. But after this weekend after seeing of the beautiful photo's of everyones babies I feel strong enough to share these now.
So here is my son - all 2 pounds 10 ounces of him. He was created for eternity. My arms will long for him always and there will be a day when I can hear about his journey and hold him again.
So here is my son - all 2 pounds 10 ounces of him. He was created for eternity. My arms will long for him always and there will be a day when I can hear about his journey and hold him again.
To Texas and Back
I am truly thankful this morning. I'm trying to process all that I was able to taken in this weekend and thankfulness is what is pouring forth.
Let me catch you up since its been about 6 months since my last blog.
Through out the fall I've been journeying with my friend Kelly who lost their beautiful baby boy Noah in September. Walking with Kelly has been one of the largest helps in my journey of grief. Being able to process with Kelly all the feelings that I've had over this year since we had Izaak has been such a blessing. In December Kelly asked me to be apart of a retreat weekend with 9 other women who have suffered the lost of baby. Wonderful amazing people made it possible for all 10 of us to head to a beautiful ranch near Brady Texas.
What a weekend! All of these women had met online and for most of us it was the first time meeting face to face. We had people travel from Germany and the west coast and of course from Canada to share, laugh, cry, laugh, pray, worship, cry all with women who have gone through saying good bye to our children.
I kept thinking through out the weekend that this the most amazing club (group of women) that you never want to be invited into. But God has been using each of our story to do something greater then we could imagine.
I'm still processing so much - so there will be a few more blogs about this trip.
(And I'll try not to wait 6 months!!)
Let me catch you up since its been about 6 months since my last blog.
Through out the fall I've been journeying with my friend Kelly who lost their beautiful baby boy Noah in September. Walking with Kelly has been one of the largest helps in my journey of grief. Being able to process with Kelly all the feelings that I've had over this year since we had Izaak has been such a blessing. In December Kelly asked me to be apart of a retreat weekend with 9 other women who have suffered the lost of baby. Wonderful amazing people made it possible for all 10 of us to head to a beautiful ranch near Brady Texas.
What a weekend! All of these women had met online and for most of us it was the first time meeting face to face. We had people travel from Germany and the west coast and of course from Canada to share, laugh, cry, laugh, pray, worship, cry all with women who have gone through saying good bye to our children.
I kept thinking through out the weekend that this the most amazing club (group of women) that you never want to be invited into. But God has been using each of our story to do something greater then we could imagine.
I'm still processing so much - so there will be a few more blogs about this trip.
(And I'll try not to wait 6 months!!)
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