This is a week that I have been expecting since last August. It looks different then what I thought it would. This is the week that my son Izaak was due. He was born, lived and died 11 weeks and two days ago. When all of this happened I didn't think that I would be this broken about it all. I didn't think that it would hurt this much. I didn't think that it would be hard to breath or this ache in my chest would prevalent. And most of all I was expecting the lies I would face and fight almost everyday.
The lies:
1. That Izaak was taken from me because I'm not a good mother
2. I'm unaccomplished and I've failed
3. That desiring to something other then just be a mother must mean I'm selfish
There are a host of others
SO to combat these lies I must be reminded of the truth
1. I have a wonderful daughter! Good kids are a result of good parenting and lots of grace from God. And I believe that the father of light gives good gifts to us.
2. My husband last night kindly reminded me of what I've been able to do these past 30 years and just because I don't have a degree hanging on my wall doesn't mean that I have not accomplished much in these 30 years. AND yes I've failed, I have failed at much BUT that means I've risked, I've tried, I've moved forward.
3. If you look at what Proverbs 31 says about a woman of noble character - she is a women full of responsibilities and not all of them are at home.
Okay as I read this back to myself, this post could sound like a pity party and boasting all at the same time. But I'm in my efforts to be transparent this is my reality.
So I repeat this truth to myself -
I AM LOVED
I HAVE HOPE
You are. And you do.
ReplyDeleteThis, from one of my favourite quotes:
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”
- Theodore Roosevelt, 1910
You are not a cold and timid soul.
Thanks for your honesty, Melissa. You are LOVED, a great mom, and don't you for a second believe the lies of the enemy. Of course he wants you to feel that way because you have a high calling and he doesn't want it to be fulfilled. But, it will be fulfilled in Christ and you will use this experience in your life to minister to others. You already have been. Bless you as you and Tim continue on your journey toward the "Father of Lights" who NEVER changes and never fails.
ReplyDeleteDear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your inner most thoughts as you reflect on the death of your son Izaak on this day that he would have been born and the subsequent thoughts that you have been dealing with since it happened.
As a mother who has lost a child at the age of 9 1/2, I too can relate to some of the questioning that goes on in your brain as you try to process why these things happen.
I pray that you will not listen to the lies of the adversary but continue to focus on the positives
IE: A loving and understanding husband,
- a beautiful daughter,
- praying friends who do their best to comfort you and try to comprehend what you are dealing with (Even though they don't always have the words to say)
A supportive family and most of all
a loving God who will never leave you or forsake you forsake you.
Our love and prayers are with you and Tim.
Just discovered your blog, great post! We all need reminders of truth... glad you're taking hold of yours.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone - PEACE
ReplyDelete